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Here is a collection of humor compiled from sources around the 'net... Disclaimer: Before you get pissed off, we are not trying to pick on any religion, nationality, race, caste, creed, sex, etc. We have not written any of these jokes, so if you're offended by them please don't read them. We won't entertain any complaints concerning these jokes. They have been provided as amusement to those who find them funny. They are strictly to tickle your funny bone! JOKES WILL CHANGE OFTEN, SO VISIT REGULARLY
PAGE 2 REAL QUOTES 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks; (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.) 2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, ElectricBoat Company) 4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing 3M Corp.) 6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers) 7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.) 12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) SOME
SAYINGS OVERHEARD Indecision is the key to flexibility. If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too. This is as bad as it can get... but don't bet on it. There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Sometimes too much drink is not enough. The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant. The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. The other line always moves faster... until you get in it. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools Happiness is a belt-fed weapon Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. Wink, I'll do the rest! I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will, I want to be in it! Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students! It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from! Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal! Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. i souport publik edekasion We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock. I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles. Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter. Love your enemies: it really gets them confused. Don't be mad at your government. They haven't done anything.
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES FAVORITE SPORT DRUG DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE FAVORITE FANTASY HOUSE PET WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? IDEAL DATE
SEDUCTION LINE FAVORITE SPORT DRUG DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE FAVORITE FANTASY HOUSE PET WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? IDEAL DATE TOP 20 BUMPER STICKERS FOR WOMEN 1. So many men, so few who can afford me. YOU MIGHT BE STUPID IF... ...you can't remember how to spell I.Q. YOU ARE A DESI IF...
ARE YOU AN ASIAN? 1. You go to drop off one person to the airport, but you take 50 extra people with you 2. Your entire family runs the marathon when they see a dog (calmly walking on the other side of the road) 3. Your cousin is said to have "gone abroad to get married", but you know he's doing time in prison 4. You were taught never to talk to strangers at primary school, yet your parents force you to call a complete stranger "Auntie" 5. Your uncles crack jokes that aren't even funny 6. "Paracetamol" is your cure to every illness 7. You somehow think you're related to Prince Naseem Hamed 8. Your remote control is still in its plastic packet 9. You use your religion to get yourself out of almost anything e.g. P.E, class discussions, debates, etc. 10. You secretly meet your boyfriend/girlfriend in the most obvious places (e.g. your front garden) and expect NOT to get caught by your parents 11. "GET YOUR BACK-UP DOWN" and "KICK OFF!" is your solution to every problem 12. You studied A' Level Maths but still think it's possible to fit 100 people into 1 car 13. You wear sunglasses in hail, sleet and snow 14. You accuse the shopkeeper of being racist when he kindly asks you to pay for your packet of crisps 15. Your mobile phone "just happens to ring" when you see a member of the opposite sex 16. You hire a convertible in mid-December 17. You secretly watch "ZEE T.V." but pretend you've never heard of it 18. "My mate wants to check ya!" is secretly your chat-up line 19. Your car is better than your house 20. You think you're part of the MAFIA, yet you study Law 21. You seem to think that this list DOES NOT apply to you 22. You become obsessed with a member of the opposite sex, ring their house everyday, follow them home...and get rejected (you then ask out their best mate) 23. You think it's a sin if you admit you've revised before an exam 24. You wonder why the person you fancy doesn't come over when you and your mates scream, "Yo! Come over 'ere!" 25. At the age of 30, you still think you can get away with paying child fare on the bus 26. You have a telephone at home but nobody is (ever) allowed to use it 27. You find a photo of a man with bushy hair, white shoes and sunglasses...you ask who he is and find out it's your uncle 28. Your wear DKNY yet your mum buys material from Longsight Market 29. You've failed your driving test 6 times, but you've been driving for the past 3 years 30. In the primary school nativity plays you were always the donkey in the background (and if you were extra lucky, you were given the part of the villager) 31. You're related to your husband/wife even before you've married them 32. The bus never stops for you 33. You're the last person to see your wedding card ... and the person you're getting married to 34. Even your underwear is designer 35. You dance at a complete stranger's wedding (and claim you are a distant relative) 36. You somehow think you were involved in Tu Pac's death 37. You drive your car around the same spot for 10 years playing music that was out in '95 38. You achieve A*'s in every subject and your parents tell you to STUDY HARDER 39. Your car is better than your house 40. Universities let you in for Medicine just by looking at you 41. You are offended by this list and you're going to make a complaint about it 42. At home you have a butcher's knife which is bigger than your head 43. Wilmslow Road is like a second home to you 44. There is a tub of "PRIDE GHEE" and a sack of "TILDA BASTMATI" in your hallway 45. Your mum asks you what you want to be when you're 6 six years old and you say, "a Bollywood Superstar"...ten years later you're still saying the same thing 46. You can't go to certain places because your Uncle works there 47. You think you're life is just ONE BIG INDIAN FILM 48. You somehow think you are a member of the F.B.I and therefore have to have code-name for everything e.g. T.P. 49. You seem to think that an ordinary car is a racing car and ordinary roads are racing tracks, thus explaining why you speed around thinking you're Damon Hill 50. You were forced to watch Indian films during your childhood, and then your parents wonder why you lack in intelligence 51. You are over-dressed for every occasion and seem to take it as a joke when someone calls you "Garry Glitter" 52. You hardly ever take prescribed medicines because your parents have their own herbal cures at home 53. Unknown "relatives" start ringing your house on the day that your exam results are coming out 54. You are unable to open your front door because of the pile of shoes blocking the way 55. Your Auntie has permed, dyed, damaged hair 56. Your parents have a PANIC ATTACK when something dirty comes on t.v. 57. A member of your family claims that they once used to live in the Taj Mahal 58. You have 3 hobbies: CHILL, CHILL and CHILL 59. You have to offer guests tea even before they've stepped into your house 60. You address every other Asian person on the planet as "your cousin" 61. You think you have the ability to take on the entire police force 62. You dress identical to your friends and your favourite colour is black 63. Girls: Your brother thinks he's your dad 64. Your wedding takes place in either a community centre or a crappy restaurant on Wilmslow Road 65. You know how an Indian film will end even before it's started (but you still watch it) 66. You're related to your doctor 67. You go to a wedding with an empty car, but on the way back you end up giving the entire population of the wedding a lift home (and you haven't seen half of these people in your life) 68. At school, your parents were never aware of Parents' Evening (...and if they did attend Parents' Evening and you got a bad report, you told them that the teachers were all racist) 69. You arrive late at every party 70. At weddings the cameraman only ever cameras you when you're eating 71. Your phone line has been cut off at home, yet you own more than one mobile phone 72. In primary school, your parents forced you to wear a glittery jumper with cats on it 73. In high school, you teacher kept asking you if you were "forced to do things" 74. In college, you either witnessed or were involved in a fight 75. In University, you went to a Bhangra gig that ended with a big fight involving weird men wearing glittery pants and tacky golden earrings 76. Your dad wears big, tinted-coloured sunglasses from the 60s (don't even get us started on the yellow shirts) 77. The closest you can get to appearing on Ricki Lake is CAFE 21 78. Your parents find no criticisms in an Indian film where some guy jumps off a cliff and jumps back up again, people burst into song when their relatives are dying, evil politicians rule the world, and even the police don't give a crap (and then they wonder why you prefer to watch "Eastenders") 79. At parties, you wear more glitter and sparkly bits than a Christmas tree 80. You get over-excited when you see another Asian person on TV 81. You have attended every MELA ever organised 82. You accuse your cousin of fancying you 83. You lie to your parents about where you've been 84. You know the name of every Asian person in College/University, and they know your name...but you never let on 85. You know the lyrics to every Indian song ever written, but you deny it 86. You come home to the sounds of Asian Sound Radio 87. Your parents force you to listen to old Indian/Ghazal songs 88) Your auntie always wants you to have a secret relationship with her son/daughter 89) You are constantly being compared to every other Asian kid on the Planet 90. You pronounce English words in a typical accent when speaking to your parents e.g. toilet: "Toylat" 91. You never go to the library "to work" 92. Your phone number is x-directory 93. A member of the opposite sex simply says "hello" and you accuse them of stalking you 94. You receive phone numbers from complete strangers (either that or you're handing your number out to complete strangers) 95. You own a gold chain with your name engraved on it 96. Guys: you lock your sister up and then go out chilling yourself 97. You have cousins that you've never even heard of 98. At Bollywood superstar concerts you're more interested in the people in the audience than the actual stars performing the show 99. You wonder why people stare when you hire out a grand limousine for a wedding in a run down community centre located in the middle of nowhere 100. You have received a prank phone call at least once in your life 101. When celebrating a religious festival, you suddenly feel the need to scream and shout, dance on top on restaurants, cars... and even your friend's shoulders for that matter THE A - Z OF A DESI
COMPUTER TERMS AND HINDI MOVIES
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